Drug Addiction Treatment Blog

. As is true for any substance abuser, pornography is another addiction that can ruin relationships and families. My fascination began when I was just a little girl, that’s right, I am a woman. I can remember looking at my father’s Playboys and thinking how beautiful all these women are and that someday I wanted the same attention and affection they receive.
One day my parents caught me thumbing through the “nudie magazines” and I was told by my mother that young ladies are supposed to act both prim and proper. They made me feel so ashamed that I eventually learned to hide my desire to be lusted after. Over the next few years, I buried these urges for fear that I would be looked at as perverted or strange. I was taught it was acceptable for boys to look at porn but not girls; leading to a life of denial.
Now we fast forward to my adult life, 10 years married with two kids and a mortgage. I always convinced myself that once I was happily married the urges would be satisfied; I was wrong. My husband began working longer and longer hours and I felt neglected. I was jealous of his career because it was taking attention away from me and I began looking for satisfaction elsewhere.
After dropping my kids off at school one morning, I passed by an adult store. The urges couldn’t be fought any longer, I had to enter. On my first excursion, I charged $1,000 on pornographic movies. My husband eventually saw the credit card bill which led me to a concocted story about a girlfriend of mine having a sex toy party. After that close call I decided it was better to search the internet.
By the time I sought recovery I was averaging almost 8 hours a day on internet porn. I became resentful that my husband couldn’t satisfy me the way the women in the movies and pictures seem to be satisfied. It affected time with both family and friends and led to my termination from work after my employers monitored my internet activity. The final straw came on a trip to a new porn store where I came across a real-life orgy. I was excited and aroused and began unbuttoning my blouse when out of nowhere I saw just how deep this was and that help was needed. If I crossed the line from make-believe into reality I feared there would be no turning back.
I came home and immediately turned to the internet, this time not for sexual satisfaction but for help. I heard about Recovery Connection and knew they’d be able to place me in a program that could help me. At the Lakeview Health Systems of Jacksonville counselors helped to diagnose the cause of my addiction. As a child, I was molested by a close family friend; this grim fact is something I hid from everyone, including my own husband. The counselors were able to show me that from an early age I associated love with lust. After 30 days in an outpatient program, I was able to live with my disorder. It has been two years and with further counseling I have been able to stop porn addiction from controlling my life.

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